This article originally appeared on Do Something Saturday. 

Can gay folks have faith? Does God love us?

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Hebrews 11. KJV)

What did I do to make you hate me so much? What have I’ve done that you would destroy my world? Why have you taken my parents from me in the time when I need them most?….. Answer me.”

I can hear the waves crashing into the shore along the northern partIMG_9996 of Santa Monica Beach. I’m sitting on a lifeguard tower with everything I own in my gray and blue REI backpack.

It’s August 9th 2008 around 11pm. The beach is dark and no one is around. I’m over a year into homeless and battling cancer. To add insult to injury I’m just over two months into my HIV diagnosis.

My safe harbor (my parents) are now dead. My world has caved in on me. Every screw has come out. Every tire is 6623179665_7c44fa7d5b_zflat. I’m broke, homeless, sick and alone. I felt like I was in the middle of the ocean and no matter how much I try to swim or scream out for help, I was sinking.

Is this how I go out? Is this where life ends for me?

“To whom much is given much is required” (Luke 12:48)

I aint going out like this. I refuse to go out like this.

29403757383_615b801697_z-129 months after it began, homelessness came to an end in June of 2009. At that time, I was just over a year and half into my HIV diagnosis.

Faith has been at the center of my life for as long as I can remember. I grew up going to church. I was on the Youth Usher Board, I later sang in and directed our choir.

Faith is super easy when things are going well. It is easy to trust and31452068831_4204d7bf52_z believe in the word and love of God when there is no rain in your life. However, things quickly change when your faith is challenged. It becomes very difficult to trust in much less believe in God, his love or the thought that there is something greater than you while you are fist fighting for your laptop and camera. Your vision becomes very foggy when all the colors in your life are grey. It’s very hard to fully understand what is going on while you are standing outside in the rain.

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